I think you’re experiencing what a lot of younger Christians (myself included) tend to feel as we mature in faith. I like to call the experience “peak and valley” spirituality.
A lot of times, you’ll attend a conference or have an experience that absolutely shakes your understanding of God and causes you to “feel” God more clearly. These experiences are the peak moments where you feel closer to God and ready to take action for his kingdom.
As time passes, you become distanced from the peaks and the reality of living your faith becomes more complicated. You begin to lose the sensitivity you felt on the peak and eventually slip into a spiritual valley. In the valley, God feels distant. It’s hard to keep yourself dedicated and inspired because you wish you had some other big event like the last peak to nourish your soul. Naturally, it’s easy to bow to living in your old ways when you’re in the valley.
I don’t know what’s more dangerous in “peak and valley” spirituality. On the one hand, you legitimately grow during a peak and it’s nice to have experiences that embolden your faith and shake your presuppositions. On the other hand, peaks can create false expectations for the Christian life. In some instances, the valleys are dangerous because you can end up falling from faith or resigning yourself to a form of spiritual life support (doing all the “Christian” things without any heart). Curiously, the valleys can also be more beneficial than peaks because you learn about yourself and analyze your beliefs in detail.
Here’s my advice about your situation: Keep searching for a way to climb out of the valley, but don’t look for the quick fix of a peak. Ask yourself what your biggest doubt about God is at the moment, what’s the real conflict in your heart that manifests as external behavior you wish leave behind for good, dig into Scripture and resources to help yourself answer your questions, and talk to other believers in your life for insight into the matter (which you’re already doing by messaging me). In all of these activities, pray consistently and share your thoughts with God. The goal of faith is to know God for who he is every day, not waiting for the epiphanies that provide glimpses of his nature. If you keep searching, you’ll know God more, the peaks will just become accents in the journey of faith rather than dizzying exceptions to the norm, and valleys will become tests to be endured rather than struggles to be survived.
Thanks and I hope this helps!